With a jolt I realized, some knots are very tight. The more you tug at them to untie,the tighter becomes the tie. It has this unique ability to distance me from everything and create its own space around me. A dream, a hope or just an illusion I can’t place a name plate to it. It never asks permission just evades and takes over. And I can clearly see the grin on that ambiguous face.
The beauty of the whole thing is that I submit readily. No, I don’t even put up a mock fight. I love to linger in that feeling floating above myself. Seeing myself perform some mundane tasks so that one breath follows the other,so that machines keep working,clocks keep ticking. So that days are sunnier,nights cozier,ha!,wiping tears,mopping frowns,sprinkling cheer. Variety in boredom.
All this while like a shadow lurking around the corner, like a reptile waiting to pounce,it is always there. Just a sigh from me suggesting the guards are let down and it happily takes over.
What is it like? Like a cool breeze blowing my hair on to my face,I keep brushing it away. I am irritated yet I don’t want the breeze to stop. Like the fishes nibbling at my feet when I step into a clear cool river. It tickles me makes me jump and keep moving around,yet I like the feel and I stay. Its like the sun in the winter,like the first drop of rain.
Let it remain the way it is, a distant mirage. Let it never become an oasis. Its not a dream, nor a hope neither an illusion, its my anchorage. Which keeps me connected and tightly anchored to myself. When I risk floating away it pulls me back and in that security I bask. Its the me within me. Its the hub of all my tit-bit wishes. Its ‘my room’. Its a leaf out of my diary. A piece of my childhood. Its a faded photo, a dried up rose in between the pages of a long forgotten book. Its my old Amar Chitra Kathas……its all that and a lot more. I am like a child waiting to start a race and its like a mother to whom I turn and smile every now and then. For support,assurance and confidence.