There could not be a better way to put it. Coz that is what I am doing right now. Standing aside and watching. Watching what he is going to do next. Yes, a ‘he’. Completely indifferent to what I am (a she they say) I would like to call my thoughts, visions, feelings, foolishness, dreams or soul if you may say so…a ‘he’. Stubborn , adamant..persisting,puling sometimes boring too.
I am allowing him to treat me the way he pleases.I let him be . Someday s he looks like something the dog dragged home. All distraught, haggered totally shaken. Giving me the hope that he is going to give up and leave me free to be me. “High hopes!” he says feebly one moment and shouts the next, thinking I have not heard him. I have heard him, loud and clear. Even when he whispers I hear him. Yet, I do not react. I told you, I just let him be.
Whenever that curve comes on my lips,he is completely confused. He is terrified that he is loosing me, his grip on me in fact. I can almost see him surprised. Then I guess, he just takes mercy and like a cat who plays with the mouse, he plays with me. I watch him from the side of my eyes ,slowly surrounding me with his viscous , villainy gaze. I buy time,plead. No,no folded arms yet. That will give him immense pleasure. I fight. Put on my dancing shoes and dance. Try to take him off guard. Mesmerize him with my song, my moves. He does get lost in the rhythm but shakes himself and reappears as mean and cruel as before. He persists,I resist.
In a way I have succumbed. Well, at least I have given him the feeling of victory. Secretly I am happy. I was tired of this continuous tug of war. This oscillation between me and him. Now I stand aside and watch…..watch him in full glory. Watch him enacting me. Smile and applaud. He is beating me at being me. He is a better me. He laughs like me,sings like me,dances like me. Surprisingly though, he has not become me. At least not completely.”One day I will”..I hear him sneer.
I am having an ‘out of body experience ‘ of a different kind. Where in I stand and watch a magician, an actor, a clown at work. He has banished me from my territory yet I love him.Love him because his struggle is for me. He is killing me in this struggle yet I know he admonishes the world for me. He is my soul mate. My only friend(though he looks like an enemy). When the world makes merry , in a dazed state, peculiar to the world, I have him for company. We understand each other the way no one does. We are in a different space. A self created space of imaginative indulgence,demolishing delusions,creative destruction and peace.
Did I just say ‘we’? That ‘we’ surprises me. Why does it though? It was meant to be. Why would I not want to become one with something or someone should I say, who is always there silently holding my hand. If he withdrew from me I will suddenly be all alone. Alone standing and facing the world. Am I that strong? I need him like my, breath , my floating thoughts,my solitude. No, I am not ready to let him go.Not yet. He assures me “I will stay till the time you want me to”. Is that compassion I see in those blood shot eyes? I melt….to be formed again,and yet again to melt I know. “Till the time you want me to stay”, those words are pregnant. Pregnant with my fate.